Aviation Jokes and ATC comments

Warning: May contain some fruity language

Flight terminology below may not always be technically correct due to the nature of these stories, and may also be edited or explained in parts for the benefit of non-aviation folk.

I am grateful for these ATC and aviation quotes and stories sent to me by various people. Thank you. Please keep them coming.

From Dr P Rutherford (May 2010):

This occurred while I was serving in Vietnam. As our unit had particularly strong radio equipment we were often tasked to listen in on different networks in order to back up the ground or air crews experiencing communications difficulties due to any number of reasons. One particular conversation had me in stitches for hours afterwards. I can't recall the callsigns so I'll just call them A and B. 
Callsign A (ground crew): "Callsign B. What is your location? Over." 
Callsign B (Birddog aircraft): "I am in the Hat Dich area. Over." 
Callsign A: "Say again your location. Over." 
Callsign B: "I am in the Hat Dich area, I say again, Hat Dich area. Over." 
Callsign A: "Sorry. Say again location. Over" 
Callsign B: "I am in the Hat - as in head - Dich - as in head, area. Over." 
Callsign A: "Roger out."

From AW (Mar 2010):

I met an SR-71 pilot a few years ago. (SR-71 was the USAAF advanced 'stealth' reconnaissance aircraft known as the Blackbird). He told me this story from his first flight with a new co-pilot: An SR-71 and crew were flying over Southern California when a bug smasher came on the airwaves in a dorky voice: Cessna 152: Ground Control, What's my airspeed? Ground Control: 100 at FL 100. A few moments later a cocky voice came on: Mooney M20: Ground Control, What's MY airspeed? Ground Control: 240 at FL 240. By this time the SR pilot was seething, but since communications were the duty of his new co-pilot, he remained silent. A few moments of radio silence passed, and in the calmest voice imaginable the co-pilot keyed in: SR-71: Ground Control, What's our airspeed? Ground Control: 1875 at FL 800. There were no more speed checks called in that afternoon, and the pilot knew that he had a cool partner in the back seat.

From Dave (Mar 2010):

I was told this story by an air traffic controller from his time at a joint military/civilian airport. An F-4 (USAAF fighter jet) pilot requested clearance to take off, but due to the amount of civilian traffic the ATC told him he'd have to hold. After a repeated impatient request by the F-4 to take-off the ATC suggested that if the pilot could reach 14,000ft within half the runway length he could take off; otherwise he would have to hold. To the ATC's surprise the F-4 pilot acknowledged the tower and began to roll. At the halfway mark the F-4 went vertically up until he reached 14,000ft, then levelled off. The ATC had no option than to hand the pilot over to departures and wish him a nice day, since he'd met the conditions laid down. The ATC said it was the darndest thing he ever saw.

From Stewart (Mar 2010):

Due to take off from JFK New York one morning in our Qantas 707 we were about eighth of fifteen aircraft in line. From one of the aircraft, presumably experiencing a slight problem, a voice over the radio said, "F..k!" 
JFK Air Traffic Control (angrily demanding to know): "Who said f..k?" 
First aircraft in the line (gave callsign): "I did not say F..K." 
Quickly followed by the second in line (gave callsign): "I did not say F..K." 
Then the third, and then all of us, one by one, giving the same "I did not say F..K" reply.

Another time, we were about fourth in a long queue waiting to take off in our larger Boeing aircraft. The JFK ATC allowed a B737 on a local flight to take a short-cut and start his takeoff run by joining the main runway from a taxiway causing us to wait for him to take off and clear. "How do you like them apples?" he said on local VHF as he started his takeoff run. Boeing aircraft had a warning horn for major problems that you can test. Half-way along the B737's takeoff run, 'someone' held their cockpit mike to the horn and pressed it as they tested it. The B737 abruptly stopped takeoff with full reverse and full braking and shuddered to a halt, tires (tyres) smoking. A few seconds later we heard a voice on our VHF: "How do you like them apples?.."

From L Miller (Jan 2010):

A British Airways 737 touched down at Frankfurt-am-Main. The tower controller, obviously in frivolous mood, transmitted: "Speedbird 123. Nice landing Captain, But a little left of the centre-line, I think." Quick as a flash, the BA Captain replied in a cool English accent: "Roger Frankfurt Tower. Perfectly correct. I am a little to the left of the centre-line. And my co-pilot is a little to the right of it."

A KingAir had just rotated (lifted-off the runway) at take-off when there was an enormous bang and the starboard engine burst into flames. After stamping on the rudder to sort out the asymmetric thrust, trying to feather the propeller and going through the engine fire drills with considerable calmness and aplomb, the stress took its toll on the Captain... He transmitted to the tower in a level friendly voice: "Ladies and gentleman. There is no problem at all but we're just going to land for a nice cup of tea." He then switched to cabin intercom and screamed at the passengers: "Mayday. Mayday. Mayday. Engine fire. Prop won't feather. If I can't hold this asymmetric we're going in. Emergency landing. Get the crash crew out." The aircraft landed safely with the passengers' hair standing on end.

The late Captain Mickey Munn – an all-round fine fellow, highly experienced pilot and, at the time, Sergeant in the Red Devils (UK Parachute Regiment display team) - was piloting a Britten Norman Islander to jumping altitude with a full load of hairy-arsed paras crammed into the rear of the aircraft. With no warning at all, a bang and a flash of flame, the port engine blew itself to pieces. Mickey's hands flashed around the cockpit as he brought the aircraft under control. As soon as the aircraft was straight and level he turned to his passengers and said: "Phew. I think you chaps should…" But his words tailed away as he gaped at the empty passenger cabin. At the first sign of trouble, the paras had leaped from the aircraft and were at that moment floating serenely towards the earth. Mickey landed safely to tell the tale. 
(Thanks L Miller for these three wonderful stories.)

From P de Bromhead, Dec 2009:

My late father, who was on Fleet Air Arm Buccaneers, told this story involving a pilot operating on an exchange arrangement from an overseas developing country. My dad was sat waiting for take-off clearance when he heard the exchange pilot, somewhere, request a 'bearing' from the ATC (air traffic controller). This was duly given and after a few minutes a second 'bearing' was requested. This was the same as the first and after a third and identical 'bearing' was requested and given, the ATC asked the exchange pilot if he had any visual references. The pilot replied that he had a haystack to his starboard side, at which point it transpired that he was lost on the taxi-way.

From S Smith, Nov 2009:

I was working local control for the runway 25's at LAX one afternoon and a pilot reported a 'flock of seagulls' on final approach. Without hesitation, I replied, "Was that the band or the birds?" I got absolutely no response from the pilot... I guess not everyone has a sense of humor!

And in similar vein, from J Douglass, Nov 2009:

(December 2007, Seattle Washington)

Pilot: "Boeing Tower, Cessna 761 Uniform Alpha for a Mercer Departure at Alpha Niner with information X-Ray." 
Tower: "Cessna 761 Uniform Alpha cleared for takeoff, runway 13 right, fly the Mercer departure." 
Pilot: "Cessna 761 Uniform Alpha cleared for takeoff, is rolling." 
45 seconds later... 
Co-Pilot: "Boeing tower, please be advised, there is a flock of seagulls near the south end of runway 13 right at 400 ft." 
Tower: (singing) "And I ran, I ran so far away... I just ran, I ran all night and day... I had to get away.." 
Pilot: "Cessna 761 Uniform Alpha has humor..." 
Tower: (hysterical laughter)

(The lyric incidentally is from the chorus of the 1982 hit song 'I ran' by A Flock of Seagulls.)

From Chris, Jul 2009:

This happened at the small but busy Sarasota Florida airport in 1975. The tower was open from 6am until 10pm and most of the traffic was during daylight hours. There was a National flight in every night about 8:30pm and often had a joker at the wheel. On a particular dark night after handoff from Tampa approach the controller hears: "Sarasota tower, National123 with you... (pause) ... guess where?." The controller promptly turned off all the airport lights - there was no other traffic - and replied: "National123 - Sarasota tower - guess where?..." After a silence of about fifteen seconds the chastened National pilot came back: "Sarasota tower this is National Airlines flight 123 from Tampa and we are exactley 10.3 DME on the 300 degree radial inbound for landing.." The controller switched the lights back on and cleared the pilot to land.

And another from Chris: As a controller at a small busy airport in Florida, my story is about a student pilot talking to ground on an IFR morning (IFR means Instrument Flight Rules, necessitated by cloudy skies). At the time the transmission was made, there was an 800 foot ceiling (of cloud) with 2 miles visability in a light mist. Here is the communication - Student pilot: Ground, this is N12345 student pilot, and my instructor wants to know what the height of the ceiling is in the tower. Ground Controller: Cessna 12345...it's about eight-and-a-half feet. There was then a pause in which both an Eastern pilot and a National pilot made similar comments. The student pilot came back on the radio. Student pilot: OK.. my mistake.. what is the reported weather ceiling at this time? Ground Controller: 800 overcast..

R Dillon sent the following, Mar 2009:

A controller at the Nashville, Tennessee airport told me about an incident from several years ago when he cleared a Cessna 172 (4 seater small aircraft) for landing. As the Cessna turned to final approach, an airliner called in 'over the marker' (5 miles from the airport). The Cessna was about a half mile from the runway, and the controller knew he could land and clear the runway well before the airliner would land, so he cleared the airliner to land as well. A few seconds later, the Cessna pilot asked the controller, "How far behind me is that 737?" Before the controller could respond, the airline pilot keyed his mike, and in a deep bass voice said, "Don't look back!..."

P White, Sep 2008, sent this fine story, in the longer stories section below

A huge C-5 cargo plane was sitting near where a small plane was waiting to take off. The private pilot got a little nervous because the military plane was closer than normal, and asked the tower to find out the intentions of the C-5. Before the tower could reply, a voice came over the radio as the C-5's nose cargo doors opened, saying, "I'm going to eat you." (Ack E Scharzmann)

A story from the late 1950's Navy flight training at Corpus Christi, Texas. Instructors were known to party hard at night, even before a 'hop' the next morning. A common 'cure' was to put on the mask and breathe the pure oxygen while the trainee got the craft airborne. The SNJ training aircraft had a tandum cockpit with intercom for personal communication between the instructor and the trainee. These 'private' communications would be broadcast on air if the intercom switch were accidentally left open. One such morning following a heavy night for one particular instructor, not long after the flight was aloft, the following was heard over the air: "Boy, am I ever f...ed up this morning." After a lengthy pause a young lady air traffic controller demanded: "Aircraft making that last transmission, please identify yourself." There was an even lengthier pause, and then a voice said: "Lady, I'm not that f...ed up." (Ack Mike)

In 1958, I was bouncing down the runway trying to land in a big cross-wind when the instructor said "I trust we will be landing soon, because my medical permit expires next Tuesday." The same year, I was flying a Navy SNB (C-45) and the instructor began laughing as he read the squawk sheet from the previous flight. It said: "Order heater for co-pilot's seat." (Ack E Pisor)

The Stapleton runways were so close together that aircraft on parallel runways had to see each other and provide visual separation before Control could issue an approach clearance. Commonly when pilots were asked if had they had traffic in sight they would lazily respond with, "I see some lights," which, frustratingly, did not meet requirements for approach clearance. One very busy night a particular crew would not report the traffic in sight. Finally the pilot said, "I see some lights over there." The controller responded in a vexed tone, "Is there an aircraft attached to those lights?" Laughing, the pilot responded, "Why I do believe there is. Thanks we have the aircraft in sight." For that crew at least, the point was made. (Ack P Davied)

United cargo jet (with female pilot): "This is my secondary radio. Is my transmission still fuzzy? 
Oakland ARTCC controller: "I don't know. I've never seen it." (Earned him two weeks on the beach) (Ack 'a former ATC')

After being informed by a pilot cleared to land in Fayetteville that he now had two light aircraft cleared to land on opposite ends of the same runway, the controller paused and transmitted "Y'all be careful now." (Ack 'a former ATC' - he says this is true, he heard the tape.)

One very stormy morning in BOS, many planes were lined up on taxiways waiting for departure. A female pilot made a successful landing on a crossing runway after visibly wrestling her Flying Tiger stretched DC-8 through turbulence and blustery snow squalls, fighting it right down to the runway. An anonymous voice: "But can you park it?" (Ack 'a former ATC')

A newly promoted Military Liaison Officer was standing the morning watch at Oakland ARTCC. His former controller team mates sent an assistant to the front desk, requesting permission from the new MLO to start the 'wind tunnels' at Moffett NAS (there weren't any of course). Not wanting to appear ignorant, the MLO granted the request. After notifying the front desk a short time later that there were reports of severe to extreme turbulence in the vicinity of San Carlos, Palo Alto and San Jose airports, the controllers watched in glee as the rookie supervisor grabbed the 'hot phone' and bellowed to the watch supervisor at Moffett (and through the loudspeakers at every other ATC facility in Oakland's area), "This is the Oakland Center Supervisor and I'm ordering you to immediately shut off that f...ing fan!" (Ack 'a former ATC')

A young, newly checked out local controller at Logan Airport granted the request of a Trans Portuguese "707" to use non-active 15R (the longest runway) for departure and cleared the plane to "taxi into position and hold". Seeing what he thought was a short pause coming in crossing operations, he told the crew to "Be ready and spool 'em up!" The old "oil burner" sat on the runway with fire walled engines belching clouds of black smoke over nearby neighborhoods for many minutes. Only when the ground controller announced that airport fire apparatus was responding to a major fire in East Boston did anyone in the tower realize that the rookie (now stirring his newly poured coffee) had forgotten the plane and everything from Orient Heights to the Mystic River Bridge had disappeared in his exhaust. (Ack 'a former ATC')

A military pilot had been having difficulty with smooth landings and the crew was required to make note of the exact time the plane landed at different bases. One particular landing took several bounces before staying on the ground. The crew reportedly called up to the pilot, "Which landing shall we note for the record, Sir?" (Ack A & M Martin)

The earliest reference I have seen for at least some of these quotes in the column below is the seemingly now defunct spoof 'Fudpucker World Airlines' website dating back to June 1996 (thanks Scott). Fudpucker World Airlines (whose business I am not entirely sure of) and associated merchandise apparently date back to the 1970s (thanks D Kennedy). When and if I have more detail I will post it here. If you were a 'Fudpacker passenger' and can help clarify the history and especially the origins of the funny quotes which appeared on the Fudpucker website, please let me know.

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!" 
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees." 
"Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?" 
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!" 
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!" 
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

Control tower to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound." 
United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

A military pilot called for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air Traffic Control told the fighter pilot that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."

Allegedly, a Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?" 
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English." 
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?" 
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7" 
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway." 
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?" 
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?" The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough for another one."

Allegedly the German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They, it is alleged, not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206. 
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway." 
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop. 
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?" 
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now." 
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?" 
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark,... and I didn't land."

Allegedly, while taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?" US Air 2771: "Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

 Courtesy of